HeroQuest
Issaries, Inc. |
Jokes the Orlanthi TellA good Orlanthi goes into the Lunar headquarters and asks, "May I see Tatius the Bright?""Oh, didn't you hear?" asks the clerk, "Tatius died." "Where is Tatius?" asks the Orlanthi again. "Tatius is dead," says the clerk. "Oh, well, can I see Tatius then?" asks the warrior again. Finally the clerk gets mad and shouts, "Don't you understand what I said? Tatius is dead!" "Oh, I understand perfectly," says the Orlanthi, "I just can't hear it enough." By Greg Stafford
What do you call 10,000 Lunars at the bottom of the ocean? By Greg Stafford
"I met a new girl at a feast the other day, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?" By Greg Stafford
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. By Greg Stafford
The locals were sure that its tavernkeeper was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet with a prize of 1000 silver guilders. The tavernkeeper would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a cup, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (arm wrestlers, Uroxi, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the tavernkeeper said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the cup. As the crowd cheered, the tavernkeeper payed the 1000 silvers, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" "Nope," the man replied, "Tax collector." By Greg Stafford
The local law enforcer was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the
sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. By Greg Stafford
The Lunars need another new new grave digger. Their latest one quit when he found out he'd only be working with new graves. By Greg Stafford
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. By Greg Stafford
A Lunar was jumped by two muggers and fought like crazy, but he was finally subdued.
They wen through his stuff and found only three clacks. By Greg Stafford
A Lhankor Mhy devotee, an Orlanth Adventurous devotee and an Uroxi devotee walk into the local tavern. All three sit down and order horns of mead. As they discuss the day events the tavern keep brings each a horn overflowing with fine mead. The Lhankor Mhy sage looks down and notes a fly swimming in his mead. "What sort of feculant establishment are you running here!", he shouts. He begins to quote the law of Heort and the punishments for transgressions of hospitality and the connection between the fly and Malia of the unholy trio. The tavern keeper quickly pours out his mead and brings him another horn with abject apologies. The Orlanthi then looks down at his horn of mead and also notes a fly floundering about in his mead. He looks at the fly for a moment, grasps the horn and says, "Force is always an option!" and gulps down the entire horn fly and all. Lastly the Uroxi warrior looks down and also sees a large black fly swimming in his mead. He carefully takes the horn from the bar and shakes off his leather and bronze gauntlet. With the bare hand he carefully reaches into the horn of mead and gently grasps the fly by the wings. He then lifts the fly so that it is just above the mead horn and slowly brings the horn and the fly close to his lips and with an earth shaking bellow roars, "Spit it out you bastard!!" Sent by RafandCarla
A Sartarman goes into a pub in Boldhome with a little man, 6 inches tall,
in his shirt pocket. He says to the barman, "I'd like a pint of stout for
meself and a thimble for me friend." Sent by Rak Jadey
What's a Lunar in sea? Pollution. What do you call a Lunar on a horse? A saddle. What do you call a Lunar with a knife struck in the middle of the back? An orlanthi badge. Sent by Patrick Matras
What do you call 3 Humakti standing in the middle of the road with their swords drawn?
Sent by Mike Dawson
An Orlanthi chief, recently converted to the foul ways of the red goddess, called his new advisor who was an Irrippi Ontor scholar. "My wife is having an affair and I'm going to catch both of them in the act. You must come to be the witness that I killed them with good reason." The lunar scholar bowed and assented. The chief and the scholar snuck into the chief's bed room. Sure enough, they saw the chief's wife in bed with another figure under the covers. The chief roared and flung off the covers and found a lunar bureaucrat in bed, naked with his wife. "Wait," cried his wife. "Don't hurt him! He's been so good to us. Remember how we got relief from the Earth season taxes? He did that. Remember how our son was accepted into the Imperial bodyguard? He did that too. And do you remember the suit of enchanted silver armor I gave you for your birthday, that was from him! " The chief looked at the two unclear what to do next and looked to his advisor for help. "What should I do?" the chief sputtered. "Cover him up before he catches cold." the scholar said. Sent by RafandCarla
A local Sartarite farmer was driving with this carriage one day. Suddenly he saw a snake, and first he thought to drive over it. But at the last minute he changed his mind and turned his carriage. And what do you know - the snake turned into a dragonewt magician, who told that he had been cursed to live as a snake, until someone would show kindness to him.
- To pay you for your help, the dragonewt hissed. - I will give you three
wishes. But whatever you wish for, your neighbor will get it double.
- Now you have one thousand lunars worth of silver, but your neighbor got
two thousand.
- Now you have a wife who is young and beautiful as Voria, but your neighbor
has two wives. - Tell me, does it hurt much if you remove one of my testicles? Sent by Mikko Metsälä
A warrior band had just returned from a succesful campaign against the Lunars. It was Dark Season that time, and the chieftain wanted to know if the warriors had settled in well. He found one of the weaponthanes, a strong but somewhat slow-minded Uroxi, and started talking with him.
- Well now, Terasarin, what did you do first when you came home, asked the
chieftain. Sent by Mikko Metsälä
A shy groom had reserved a tankard of ale under the wedding bed, to get some encouragement. At night his brand-new mother-in-law came at the door to listen, if the newly-weds were already exploring the secrets of each other. Meanwhile, in the dark, the groom was trying to take a drink from the tankard, but when he couldn't find it, he mumbled:
- Oh for Orlanth's sake, someone's been here. Sent by Mikko Metsälä
Once a young, unwed girl who was known for having many male admirers among the neighbouring clans came to her mother and asked for some money, so she could buy a remedy from a local Chalana Arroy god-talker to prevent her from getting pregnant. The mother sighed a bit and said:
- I know a far more reliable method of making sure, you don't get pregnant,
and it will cost less, too. Sent by Mikko Metsälä
A Kolating shaman to his wife: Sent by Mikko Metsälä
A local Sartarite warleader was trying to encourage his men before the battle:
- Who are braver than the Great King Sartar, wiser than Lhankor Mhy, more
just than King Heort, more revered than Kallyr Starbrow and more handsome
than Orlanth?! Sent by Mikko Metsälä
Two Orlanthi dogs meet on the outskirts of Pavis; one, comparatively sleek and well fed, is heading away from the city, the other, mangy and with bones showing through his skin, is coming out of the wastes and going to the Lunar occupied town. The Orlanthi dog from the wastes is astonished by this city dog heading out towards Vulture Country. "What the fuck are you doing going out there?" he asks. "You'll starve and die of thirst, and Storm Bull will scour your bones. You'll miss the easy meals and warm beds you're used to - that's why I'm heading into Pavis." The city Orlanthi dog just says, "Yeah, well, but at least in the wastes I'll get the chance to bark." Sent by Guy Jobbins
What's the penalty for bigamy in Sartar?
What do good Sky Bulls have stuck in their hooves?
Did you hear the one about the honest Lunar judge? Me neither. How many Lunars does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice'em.
Once the Lunar army was marching through Sartar, and suddenly an
Orlanthi pops up over a hill, naked and painted blue. He starts
hollering at the Lunars, "Hey, you think you're fighters cause you can
burn a few steads and steal some cattle? Come up here and I'll show you
a fight." One day this Pelorian farmer moves onto some land the Lunars had seized from a Sartarite clan for taxes owed. One day while he's minding his animals his Sartarite neighbor walks up to the boundary stones separating their lands, looks over at the Pelorian's herd, and says, "That's my lamb there. I've been tracking it half the day, ever since I saw 'twas missing, and now I see it wandered onto your land and I want it back. Surely you want to be a good neighbor and return my property." Now the Pelorian doesn't really know if the lamb is his or the Sartarite's, but he thinks it his and says so. The Orlanthi says if the Pelorian doesn't want to be neighborly, Violence is always an option; the Pelorian replies that the Red Goddess protects his property and so will Her soldiers if it comes to it. Arguing isn't getting anyone anywhere, so finally the Sartarite says that instead of trading threats, neighbors should settle their problems with a friendly contest. "What sort of contest?" asks the Pelorian. "In this clan, we settle a problem like this with a ball-kicking contest," says the Sartarite. "You mean, we kick a ball and see who kicks the farthest?" asks the Pelorian. "No, that's for children," says the Sartarite. "Here, when two men have a disagreement, they take turns kicking each other in the balls until one gives up and declares the other one in the right. Of course, if you're not tough enough...." "Now hold on," says the Pelorian. "You may think you Sartarites are the only tough guys around, but I can tell you that we men of the Empire are every bit as tough as you! I'll take your challenge and I'll win! Give me your best." So he stands there and the Sartarite hauls back and kicks the Pelorian's groin as hard as Issaries' own mule. The Pelorian falls on the ground rolling and groaning, with his eyes watering and stars dancing in his head and pain in his lower half like a broobirth. Finally, he pulls himself to his feet. "All right, now my turn," he gasps. The Sartarite replies, "Don't bother, it's your lamb." Sent by W. Glenn & Leslee Kirkconnell
Things never to tell a Humakt Lord: the first casualty of war is truth. Sent by Roel van Leeuwen
A priest of Orlanth, a priest of Issaries and a priest of Eurmal were on a fishing holiday. Sitting in a boat in the middle of the lake, they enter into an argument about their gods' powers. The priest of Eurmal breaks wind and says that even though his god has no power over water, he will walk across the lake to pick up some more wine. He steps out of the boat, walks across the lake, and returns with three bottles of wine. The priest of Orlanth says that he will fetch the cheese. He steps out of the boat, walks across the lake, and returns with the cheese. Finally, the priest of Issaries gets up and says that he will fetch the bread. He steps out of the boat and immediately sinks. The priest of Eurmal sniggers. "Perhaps we should have mentioned the stepping stones!" he says. "What stepping stones?" replies the Priest of Orlanth. Sent by Andrew Yeo
Q. What's the best way to prepare a Lunar body for resurrection? Sent by Christopher W. Stetson
This is a joke told by rebel orlanthi in aggar. An young Aggari noble arrives in Glamour for the very first time, and within minutes the scion has been beaten, robbed and left for dead by a mob of roughs. Destitute and too proud to accept the charity of the soup kitchens, the young man is starving when one day he comes to a beautiful garden just visible through the railings of a high fence. Overcome by the vision, the Aggari scrambles over the wall and begins to gorge himself on the flowers. Moonson, glancing out of his window, sees the man eating his prize roses and orders the guard to apprehend the vandal. On his knees before the emperor the young man is terrified, and begins to blubber, telling his story of sorrow. "I was hungry, and the roses looked so beautiful, " he explains. Moonson calls for his secretary, writes something down and hands a piece of paper to the young man. "This," he says, "is an order for my treasury to grant you one thousand lunars to compensate your poor treatment in our great city and see you safely home to your people." The Aggari man is beside himself with gratitude, and swears undying loyalty to the Empire, vowing that all of Aggar will hear of the Emperor's justice. A few seasons later a young Dara Happan, travelling the fringes of the empire for a bit of 'life experience' before pursuing his further education, is violently robbed just across the border in Aggar. Staggering along by himself he is starving by the time he arrives at the first settlement. Behind a stockade fence he sees a beautiful garden. Enflamed by hunger he swarms over the fence and begins to stuff the flowers down his gullet. Rascius One-Eye, noticing the young man from his tower, orders the guards to arrest him. Before long the young lunar is in front of Rascius, who rather testily asks why his carefully bred race-orchids have been eaten. The poor man tells his tale of woe, and Rascius' face softens. "Here you are, so far from your kin, mistreated amongst mine," says Rascius, and calls for his steward. The king writes something down and hands a piece of paper to the young lunar. "This," he explains, "is a permission for you to eat flowers anywhere in Aggar." Sent by Guy Jobbins
This one is told in Esrolia. The Lankhor Mhy, the Irippi Ontor, and the Rokari all set out to discover why a man's part has a lump on the end. The Lankhor Mhy spent thousands of guilders and five whole seasons in rigorous study, and came to the conclusion that it is to give the man greater pleasure. The Irippi Ontor spent hundreds of Lunars and many weeks in fervent investigation, and came to the conclusion that it is to give the woman greater pleasure. The Rokari spent 50 pennies and half an hour on the subject, and decided that it is to stop his hand flying off and hitting his forehead. Sent by Philip Hibbs
A Barantaros berserker sauntered into a local pub. He sat ordered a horn of mead and began boasting how he was the strongest, most fearsome and the best slayer of chaos because his god was Barantaros. A group of warriors with bulls horns on their helmets chuckled amongst themselves at this. He stomped over to them and bellowed who their patron was that they could snicker.
The red faced leader looked up from his horn of mead spoke,
The Barantaros initiate was impressed. "I must belong to the strongest
and most fearsome warriors. How do I become a Uroxi berserker?"
The would-be Uroxi agreed. "Drinking first!!", he bellowed. He snatched
up a keg of mead and drank the whole keg down in minutes. This was most
impressive as he was allowed an entire night to do the feat. He then whirled
and launched himself at a group of lunar caravan guards and beat them to a
pulp.
The near-Uroxi stumbled out of the stable and cried,
Sent by Raf and Carla
This is quite a universal joke, except among the Orlanthi...
- I always make my decisions quickly, said a Lhankor Mhy lawspeaker to his colleague.
An Orlanth Adventurous devotee, an Issaries devotee and an Urox devotee had sat down for a beer.
A Heortlander and an Esrolian died and went to the halls of Orlanth. The Esrolian was welcomed
with the normal formalities, but when the gate-keepers saw the Heortlander, a great feast was
organized, and the Heortlander was carried in with cheers, he was fed by beautiful women and was
showed around in the halls. Displeased and feeling left alone, the Esrolian went to complain to
Elmal about his own poor treatment compared to the one given to the Heortlander.
An Orlanthi HeroQuester was on his mission in the Storm Realm, when he encountered a young warrior,
who challenged him into a contest. A Lunar nobleman is a man who hasn't slept with his wife for years, but is ready to kill anyone who does.
This is what happened in Boldhome once...
When writing the complete history of his clan, a local Lhankor Mhy found out that in there clan
was an old man who had just turned one hundred years old. So, he decided to go talk with this
gaffer and find more about the clan history. He went to the old man's stead, where they talked
long into the night. At one occation they started to talk about the old man himself. The Lhankor
Mhy even asked how the man had grown so old.
A beautiful summer night. A young Orlanthi couple is sitting by the river. The girl curls herself
better by the boy's side and asks:
A Sun County housewife, an Ernalda the Leader devotee and an Uleria priestess were once asked,
what would they do if a platoon of hardy Lunar hoplites would enter their home. Sent by Mikko Metsälä
What do you call a lunar official who isn't corrupt? What do you call a merciful lunar tax collector? Unemployed.
A lunar settler in Lismelder territory is chopping wood for dark season. A local
stick-picker, who obviously does not have an axe of his own follows him and picks
up the branches and twigs. The settler is wondering if he has sufficient wood for
dark season, but remembers hearing that it can get quite cold. "The native probably
knows" he thinks to himself "I'll ask him". Se he says to the stickpicker: Sent by Dag Stålhandske
A sartarite enters a tavern, the man behind the bar is a lunar settler.
The sartarite goes to the bar and asks: "Hey! Asshole! give me a beer!" So the sartarite takes the place of the lunar, the lunar leaves the tavern and enters it again...
- "Hey hill bastard! Give me a beer!" the settler asks Sent by Grégory Privat
THE STORY OF SARTARIn the beginning, when Orlanth was partitioning the world between the tribes and clans, he was sitting on a cloud telling his wife, Ernalda, what he planned for Sartar. "Ernalda, old girl," says he, "I'm going to give the Heortlings this place of high majestic mountains, purple glens, soaring eagles, streams laden with salmon, golden fields of barley from which a whisky-colored nectar can be made, green, lush spectacular golf courses , bronze in the ground.""Hold on! Hold on!" interrupted Ernalda, "Are you not being too generous to these Heortlings?" Back came the reply............... "Not really, wait until you see the neighbors I'm giving them." Sent by Roderick Robertson
What is the b-word for an overly assertive Sartarite woman? Babesteer Gori. Orlanthi never retreat. Sometimes they flee, but they never retreat. Why was Euglyptus so slow to react to Starbrows rebellion? There was a misunderstanding. When his commander told him: "The Sartarites are revolting." Euglyptus just said: "You have good taste." During one of his lectures, Tamertain reprimanded his audience: "I don’t mind that you keep looking at the water-clock during my lecture. However, I feel somewhat offended when you walk up to it to check to see if it is still working." Sent by Dag Stålhandske
The bunch of weaponthanes return to their clan after a hard week of
fighting.
A Heortling died and went to Orlanth's Hall. As he was about to take his place at a table, Orlanth looks down from his high seat and said, "Before you may join my warriors in feasting,you must prove to us that you are worthy. What feat of great bravery have you ever performed?" The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, "Well, once I was travelling and came to a pub in Boldhome. It was noisy, and I was very thirsty, and I saw that the barmaid was being harassed by a group of Uroxi. So I strolled over, got out my sword, and went up to the leader of the Uroxi. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body, horns on his helmet and a ring pierced through his nose. I tore the nose ring out of his nose, took his mug of ale and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the girl or they would have to deal with me!" "I'm quite impressed," Orlanth responded, "When did this happen?" "About two minutes ago," came the reply. Sent by Robin Steeden
Faltikus the Good is giving a lesson to children of the Pavic aristocracy: Sent by Christian Lacault
This one is current among the slave tribes of the far place. The tax collector has come to Braggi's stead, done the rounds & is totting up the pain. He says to Braggi "How much rye have you this season?" and Braggi replies "Sir, the rye is so great it reaches to Orlanth's knees". The collector is wroth. "Thrall" he shouts "you know there is no more Orlanth!" "And" says Braggi "You know there is no more rye." Sent by Robert Darvall
What do you call it when a coach half full of Lunar tourists goes off the
cliff just outside Bold Home? Sent by Robin Steeden
Sent by W. Glenn Kirkconnell
Have you heard about the planned Lunar attack on an Orlanthi stead that's located on an island in the middle of a lake? The first Lunar will swim across, and the rest will march across on the dead fish. Sent by Mike Stern
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